The moment I should have walked away.
The moment I knew all was not as it seemed.
Which was also the moment I lost myself completely.
It happened early on in the relationship for me, the first couple of weeks. We were at a house party at his place and a shifty as mate of his showed up.
Next thing I looked around and realised that both he and the guy I was seeing had dissapeared.
Weird I thought, and my instincts led me to go find them.
I walk towards the bedroom just as his mate is walking out, who instantly turns when he sees me and yells to EX (I’ll call him ex cos it’s not cool to name names) “ya missus is coming”.
As I walk into the bedroom EX is blowing some kind of smoke out of his mouth.
“What are you doing I ask?”
“Smoking” he replied.
“No shit” I said, “what are you smoking?”
“Meth” he said.
FUCK I thought. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
As soon as he said the words, I was out! I frantically grabbed my stuff and headed for the door. No way was I being a part of this!
He freaked out, kept telling me to stop, I was over-reacting.
“It’s also the deceit” I yelled, “you’re lying to me already!”
We ended up out the front of his house, him begging me not to leave, saying “it’s not that big of a deal, I hardly ever do it, it’s a once in a while thing”.
Every ounce of my body screaming RUN NOW, BEFORE YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP but my emotional side, the nurturer in me, having a grip on me, feeling for him, the way he looked, the words he was saying, kept me in what felt like a time warp on the front lawn.
Then he said it…the words that changed everything.
“If I thought you would be open to it, I would have asked if you wanted to try it with me”
“Ok” I said, “I want to try it”
MY SOUL SCREAMING…WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! NO NO NO NO
And so I did it. And it was beautiful. I can see how people get addicted to it.
Luckily for me AND him, I don’t have an addictive personality. I sure as fuck know that he had ZERO consideration for me in that moment. Thats the thing with addicts, they don’t think they have a problem and are happy to drag others down with them!
In that moment, I CHOSE TO FORGET ABOUT NICOLA COMPLETELY.
Everything I stood for.
I gave away my control, my worth and it became ALL about him.
I take full responsibility for my decision. No-one held a gun to my head and forced me to. That was all me.
A part of me wanting to seem like the cool girl, the fun one.
A deep wounding that I still hadn’t healed that was now rearing it’s head again, saying LOOK AT ME, it’s time for you to LOOK AT ME!
And also, a MASSIVE part of me wanting to punish myself for cheating on the amazing man before him.
It’s all very well for me to sit here and break it down like this now, however at the time, I was in a dark place. I was in so much pain, suppressed pain, and I had no idea how to be with it.
To the outside world, I was fine, had it all together.
However inside, I was broken, hurting and confused.
I am a big believer that we attract into our lives, the people we need to learn lessons and grow from, and who are best suited to reflect back to us the pasts of ourselves we are yet to heal.
So for that, I am grateful for the part EX played in my life.
This was the catalyst for my biggest rebirth. It was my time to become the Phoenix. To break down so COMPLETELY, to the point that the only way was UP.
It’s these defining moments that shape up. That help us to grow into the best versions of ourselves and live the lives we are here to actually LIVE!
To teach us our biggest lessons, and guide us to create more JOY, LOVE and FULFILLMENT in our lives.
Without losing myself completely, I doubt I would have EVER truly FOUND MYSELF, and for that, I am eternally GRATEFUL.